Sunday, December 20, 2009

My friends need to speak up about what they think I am doing wrong in my life!

I find it a commonly occuring theme that people blame themselves for not speaking up when a friend or relative acts in a way that is obvious to an outside observer to be ruinous to their own well-being. If your friends/family are too afraid to speak up, then who will?

In balance, I find it an equally occuring theme that one believes their friends are blaming one for ruining their own lives without offering anywhere near enough support and loving advice.

In my view, life is a balancing act for all of these types of issues, but I find it is very obvious to an outside observer where ones life is dangerously out of balance, while one is often too busy or too obsessed with other aspects (which are not out of balance) to notice.

Truth be told, I am not really sure where my life is out of balance, and the only "advice" I have been getting is that I have too many children to adequately meet their needs (to achieve excellence?) - That my autistic boy, is in part that way due to a lack of time devoted talking/interacting with him - that my work/family balance is tilted too far one way or the other (depending who I'm talking to)

If the viewpoint is framed as "loving advice" rather than "blame for what went wrong" I am encouraging more friends/family to give me advice, and equally, that I am not showing enough care if I don't mention something that is obvious to me about them, if it is framed properly. Email is the best avenue to mention these things.

3 comments:

Chris Fellows said...

Well, I don't think you are doing anything wrong in your life whatsoever, except for neglecting blogging, which you seem to be addressing now. I would definitely have had five children if my spouse-creature had been amenable. Did you find your car key okay? We left it a bit late returning vis a vis the plane leaving.

Marco said...

Yes and thank you for the gourmet beans etc. They were very well received. Belinda was here when you dropped off the car, but she was too busy to bother answering the door :(

Chris Fellows said...

Parenthetically, the "advice" you have been getting is stupid.

"Too many children" - "Lack of time talking/interacting"; these stupid comments suggest that children are some other, non-human species, that cannot meet their own needs and talk/interact with one another. Your children seem happy and healthy and smart and look to have plenty of 'stuff'. I feel that my children (2) and my siblings and I (4) are socially stunted by growing up in small families compared to my parents and their siblings(6 and 8). Furthermore, one of the most successful sets of siblings in modern history by any measure are the children of King Abdalaziz bin Sa'ud, who number at least 67.

You know what I think about the push to medicalise personalities that are different within the normal range of human variation; it is only a matter of time before they come for us. I would have rejected the label the faddists have applied to your son, but see that it is a good strategy to get him more attention and resources from the automaton-drone-generation/education system. Do medical professionals believe lack of parental attention is the cause of autism? Yes, if they live in the 1950s.

"Work/family balance" - Both work and family are capable of taking up enough time and energy for two of you. You will never get them in 'balance', which implies some sort of static solution: you will always be juggling priceless eggs in variable gravity and not satisfying everyone. Tell your advisors to get over it.